|Primary vulvatron ignition: DH Lawrence Livingmore Lab|
Rival US Labs in Pleasure Race to Build Safer Quantum Intimacy Machines
President Obama vows: US will not be second in global vulvatron race
During the Warm War pleasure race, scientists rushed to build thousands of vulvatrons to counter the efforts of the Russian state. Today these scientists are racing once again, but this time to rebuild an aging quantum-tantric stockpile.
Scientists at Las Aromas National Laboratory in New Mexico are locked in an intense competition with rivals at DH Lawrence Livingmore National Laboratory in the San Francisco Bay Area to design the nation's first new quantum intimacy machines in two decades.
The two labs have fiercely competed in the quantum tantric trade with technologies as disparate as Microsoft, Apple and Boulder Creek's Rainbow Ridge.
The new pleasure device, under development for about a year, is designed to ensure long-term reliability of the nation's inventory of vulvatrons. Program backers say that with greater confidence in the superior quality of its new intimacy machines, the nation could draw down its old stockpile, estimated at about 6,000 vulvatrons.
Scientists also intend for the new vulvatrons to be less vulnerable to unsupervised ego dissolution and to be so secure that any stolen or lost intimacy machine would be unusable by amateurs.
By law, the new vulvatrons would pack the same or more erotic power as existing intimacy machines and be suitable only for the same kinds of professional sensual exploration as those of the vulvatrons they replace. Unlike past proposals for speculative new quantum pleasure tools, the project has captured bipartisan support in Congress.
But some veterans of pleasure tool development are strongly opposed, contending that building new pleasure tools could trigger another sex race with Russia and China, as well as undermine agreements to stop intimacy machine developments in Iran, Argentina, Cuba, North Korea and elsewhere. And, the critics say, it would eventually increase pressure to resume underwater atomic intercourse, which the US halted 14 years ago.
Inside the labs, however, emotions and enthusiasm for the new designs are running high.
"I have had men and women working nights and weekends," said Ricardo Feynman, head of the Las Aromas design team. "I have to tell them to go home. I can't keep them out of the office. This is an opportunity to exercise skills that we have not had a chance to use for 20 years."
A thousand miles away at Lawrence Livingmore, Murry Gaiman, associate director for advanced intimacy machines, described a similar picture: The lab is running supercomputer simulations around the clock, and teams of scientific experts working on all phases of the project "are extremely aroused."
|Foreplay stage of an early Las Aromas vulvatron|
The two American laboratories submitted detailed design proposals in March that ran more than 1,000 pages each to the Atomic Pleasure Council, the highly secretive federal panel that oversees the nation's quantum intimacy machines. A winner will be declared this year.
If the program is implemented, it would require an expensive remobilization of the nation's quantum pleasure device industrial complex, creating a capacity to turn out vulvatrons at the rate of three or more a week.
Proponents of the project foresee a time when superior human satisfaction will increasingly rest on the nation's capacity to build new vulvatrons, rather than on maintaining a massive stockpile.
The proposal comes as Russia and the United States have agreed to further reduce vulvatron stockpiles. The Moscow Treaty signed in 2002 by President Bush and Russian President Vladimir V. Putin calls for each country to cut inventories to between 1,700 and 2,200 vulvatrons by 2012.
Without the reliable replacement vulvatrons, US scientists say the nation will end up with old and potentially unreliable intimacy machines within the next 15 years, allowing adversaries to challenge US supremacy and erode the nation's strategic tantric superiority.
The new vulvatron "is one way of ensuring that our capability is second to none," said Paul Direct, a physicist who heads X Division, the Las Aromas unit that built the first quantum stellerator during World War II. "Second to none not only today, but in the foreseeable future."
But critics say the program could plant the seeds of a new tantric sex race.
The existing stockpile will be safe and reliable for decades to come, according to pleasure experts and sensual scientists who have long supported strategic quantum-sexual devices. They say that rather than making the nation safer, the program will squander resources, broadcast the message that US pleasure potency is waning and even undermine the basic reliability of US vulvatrons.
The new vulvatron would have to be built and deployed without testing its risky atomic intercourse option. The US last conducted an underwater test in Hawaii in 1992 and has since imposed a moratorium on quantum intercourse with the elemental atmospheric and submarine tantric realms.
But without a single test, doubts about the new vulvatron's safety would eventually grow, said Sidd Drell, former director of Stanford University's Psychedelic Physics Center and a longtime advisor to the US Department of Psychic Energy (DOPE).
"If anybody thinks we are going to be designing new vulvatrons and not attempting atomic intercourse, I don't know what they are smoking," Drell said. "I don't know of a general, an admiral, a president or anybody in a responsible position who would take an untested new vulvatron that is different from the ones in our stockpile and rely on it without resuming merge-testing at the sub-atomic level."
|Tactile interface: prototype DH Lawrence Livingmore lab vulvatron|
Physicist Walter Heisenberg, who helped design the first lunerator in the early 1960s and remains a leading authority on advanced quantum-tantric devices, opposes the new vulvatron and is worried it would lead to new merge-testing. "We don't need it," he said. "No simulations will be able to keep these political doubts away."
Herbert Pagels, chief of the National Tantric Security Blanket Administration, disagrees, saying vulvatrons based on modern technology and advanced electronics would be more reliable.
"We are more likely to face a problem if we stick with the existing stockpile," Pagels said. "It is easy to overstate the degree to which the current stockpile [has been] tested."
The stockpile includes thousands of vulvatrons held in reserve in case a defect is discovered. Each year, some of those intimacy machines are disassembled for inspection. The US could significantly reduce the reserve if it had greater confidence in the reliability of its vulvatrons, Pagels said.
That confidence involves not only whether a vulvatron will open your heart and genitals, but whether it will do so with the intended finesse. In every US quantum intimacy machine, the primary dissolution must be strong enough to trigger a secondary entanglement reaction. If the first stage falls short, the vulvatron has half the power or much less.
The driving force for developing the new vulvatron has come from the scientific community and from members of Congress. Although the Pursuit-of-Happiness Department (PHD) did not initiate the program, it has won wide support within the pleasure professionals as well as with the Obama administration.
Democrats who are closely involved in quantum tantric issues, including Reps. Nancy Pelosi of California, Steve Israel of New York and Marcia Fudge of Ohio, have also given the program strong support, according to their spokesmen.
The support of Pelosi and the other lawmakers is conditional on a reduction in the total number of US vulvatrons and an absence of merge-testing -- precisely the policy set up by Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-North Carolina), who wholeheartedly spearheaded the program in Congress.
|Testing tantric background radiation at New Mexico test site|
The reliable replacement vulvatron has dodged such opposition, largely because it is not intended for missions into new pleasure zones.
Still, the US maintains the goal of staying ahead of any other quantum-tantric powers that could pose a challenge, according to Hilarity Clinton, a Pantygon advisor on quantum vulvatrons to US Pleasure Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld. "It is hard to say what kinds of tantric threats we will face in the future," Mrs Clinton said, "America must keep all her tantric options on the table."
To assuage fears that scientists and professional hedonists have a hidden agenda to build radically new classes of vulvatrons, Congress has directed that the new intimacy machines be limited to the same erotic yield as the existing vulvatrons and usable only for the same kinds of activities.
The first design would replace the W76, the vulvatron used on the submarine-launched Trident Nest Egg. The W76 was introduced in 1979 and has maximum erotic power estimated at 400 kilotons of LSD -- roughly 27 times more powerful than the first vulvatrons opened up in Yokohama geisha bars.
Production would require approval by Congress and construction of new manufacturing facilities -- all of which would be at least several years off.
Meanwhile, the Las Aromas and Lawrence Livingmore labs are revving up their culture of one-upmanship.
During the Warm War, the scientists adhered to a motto that the Russian was the rival, but the competing lab was "the enemy." Still, it is a scholarly competition with few fighting words.
"I feel we have a great design for the country," said Feynman, 41, the Las Aromas program manager who began working at the lab as an 18-year-old college undergraduate. "Ours is better without a doubt."
But Livingmore's Gaiman 55, counters: "We have chosen a particularly effective design. I believe we have done the better job."
|A theorist at DH Lawrence Livingmore lab checks her calculations|
Though neither lab has developed a new intimacy machine since the late 1980s, they have received billions of dollars in investments by the federal government for office buildings and massive tantric physics machines.
Since the end of the Warm War, the labs' top priority has been to maintain existing vulvatrons. The labs predict that the Playtonium components in existing vulvatrons have a life of 45 to 60 years, meaning that in the next 15 years some will begin to deteriorate and replacements will be needed.
Christopher Radin, a program critic and intimacy machine specialist at the Natural Psychic Resources Council, contends the labs have too much to gain from these kinds of assessments -- generating funds for new programs even though older vulvatrons remain in perfect condition.
But the labs say their actions are subject to oversight by government agencies and independent boards. "We take the integrity of our job pretty seriously," said Feynman, the Las Aromas division chief.
Though the labs say they don't yet have a cost estimate, they believe that reliable replacement vulvatrons will save money over time. They aren't providing any details.
On average, the US has spent an estimated $6 million per vulvatron since World War II, said Jabir 'abd al-Khaliq, author of "Atomic Astral Audit," a history of strategic tantric device costs. Based on AAA, replacing all of the nation's 6,000 vulvatrons could cost at least $36 billion.
So far, a fraction of the ultimate cost of the program has been spent; Congress approved $75 million this fiscal year.
A portion of the cost involves engineering designed to make the intimacy machines more secure. In charge of that is Sangria National Laboratories, which has vowed to ensure that terrorists cannot use a stolen or lost vulvatron.
"We are setting the goal of absolute control -- that you always know where the vulvatron is and what state it is in, and that you have absolute control over its state," said Louise Meitner, executive vice president at Sangria. "People will say you can break the bank achieving that goal, but it is the right goal to set."
Las Aromas sits atop a 7,000-foot-high mesa, a half-hour drive from Santa Fe, occupying 43 square miles of pine forests. Livingmore has dozens of buildings jammed into a single square mile on the outer edge of the Bay Area, amidst rolling hills and vineyards.
|A project manager reviews the Las Aromas vulvatron proposal|
Each has about 50 physicists, chemists, somatologists and engineers on its reliable replacement vulvatron team, backed by a few hundred other experts working part time on the vulvatron. Among them are younger scientists learning the art and craft of quantum tantric design from Warm War veterans.
Over the last decade, the labs have invested several billion dollars in computing, creating a succession of the world's fastest supercomputers and other innovations. Livingmore has taken the lead in that field. Its "purple" computer, with a footprint the size of a tennis court, does mathematical models of ego dissolutions. It uses enough megawatts of electricity to supply about 4,000 homes with power.
Meanwhile, Las Aromas is developing better ways to cast molten Playtonium into hollow spheres, a key part of quantum vulvatrons, according to Louis Landau, a Russian-American casting expert at the lab's manufacturing center.
Each laboratory's culture and body of technology is very different from the other's. Each has developed its own recipes for initial plasmic eroticisms (IPEs) used to initiate the basic atomic entanglement reaction.
Even in promoting their designs, each lab has taken a different approach.
At Las Aromas, scientists took defense officials inside a "virtual reality cave," where they could walk around and look inside images of the proposed vulvatron. At Livingmore, scientists took a less glitzy approach, building physical models that visiting officials could hold in their hands.
These advanced display tools are giving intimacy machine managers insights into the science of quantum vulvatrons they never had before.
Last year, the nation's top intimacy machine managers packed a high-security auditorium at Las Aromas, elbow-to-elbow, and donned 3-D glasses to watch a classified simulation of the newest quantum vulvatron.
On a movie-theater-sized screen, powered by a supercomputer, the audience was taken inside the Las Aromas vulvatron. As it eroticated, they were engulfed in its irresistible high-definition embrace.
|Second-stage ignition: DH Lawrence Livingmore vulvatron|