Bell's Theorem on xkcd

Bell's Theorem (Randall Munroe at xkcd)

Feghoot's Proof

Ferdinand Feghoot QED, Doctor of Quantum Geometry

By the year 2202, interstellar travel had been achieved and thousands of planets were colonized, due to the invention of a simple FTL teleportation device--called the "Nick Machine", a technological spinoff from the research boom in quantum tantra. The major barrier in 2202 to travel between the stars was no longer technical but psychological as various human-based cultures created their own "no-fly lists" at every teleport node in order to prevent the spread of what each of them considered "evil" into the galaxy.

This network of no-fly zones divided the galaxy into virtual ideological gulags (VIGs) inside which certain citizens were confined against their wills, isolated forever from the advantages of interplanetary travel. And the surest way to find yourself on a no-fly list was to criticize this system or even to mention the existence of VIGs.

Ferdinand Feghoot had recently concluded a mutually beneficial love affair with one of the top quantum tantrikas on planet Literati and, after a lunar cycle of intimate farewells with the tantrika and her friends, he arrived at the Literati Airport to "fly" (instantaneously) to the Red Zone in Aldebaran a hundred light years away.

To his dismay he discovered that his name was flagged on the Literati "no-fly" list as a notorious interplanetary punster. The Literatis were firm believers in the sacredness of language and regarded all puns as sins against the purity of the spoken word.

"Feghoot, You shall not pass," said the gate-keeper at the Nick Machine. "You are well known, FF, as a multiple offender against the sanctity of language." See here, here and here. And he stamped Feghoot's boarding pass with a big red X.

"Wait, wait, there's been some mistake," said our hero. "Praise the Word. I am not that heretical lout. I am Ferdinand Feghoot QED, Professor of Quantum Geometry, on my way to an important science convention on Aldebaran III where I will be giving the keynote speech. If I am delayed even 10 minutes your whole planet will be disgraced by this incident. And you, sir, will probably be sent to the language mines."

"I may have been born in Sarfattistan, Feghoot, but I'm no gullible dupe," the crossing guard replied. "If you're such an important professor, show me something impressive to prove it."

"Praise the Word. I'm glad you asked, kind sir. I am just on my way to the Red Zone to present my latest result in Quantum Geometry which I would be happy to share with you. What most people don't know about reality is that ordinary plane geometry is subject to a fundamental quantum uncertainty--measured in "Plank units", named after an old American word for a flat piece of lumber. And I, Ferdinand Feghoot QED, Praise the Word, have devised the simplest proof in the entire galaxy of Fundamental Geometric Uncertainty. Feghoot's Proof is so simple I can even demonstrate it to you, sir".

"America?," the guard asked. "Isn't that the empire that was ruthlessly plundered by the ---?"

"Yes, yes, but that's ancient history. Do you or do you not want to see this proof? No one else has ever seen it. It's brand new. You'll be the first. I'll show it to you only if you print me up a fresh boarding pass."

"OK, person who's calling himself Doctor Feghoot. But I'm keeping this new pass in my hand till I see that proof."

"Fair enough," said Feghoot. "Now hand me that old pass."

Upon receiving the old pass, Feghoot pulled a pair of scissors from his backpack and cut the pass into four pieces which he arranged into a right triangle. The triangle was 5 Glips in height and 13 Glips long. "What is the area of this triangle?" asked Feghoot.

"Every child knows that, Feghoot. I'm not impressed. Area of any triangle is 1/2 Base times Height. Base is 13 Glips; Height is 5 Glips. Area is 32 and a 1/2 square Glips."

"That's correct, sir. Now watch closely," said Feghoot as he re-arranged the four pieces of the cut-up boarding pass. "What is the area of this new triangle?"

"Why, the base and the height of this new triangle are the same, so the area is the same also. The answer is 32 and a 1/2 square Glips."

"But observe, sir. This new triangle has a hole in it exactly one square Glip in size. Where did that hole come from? From Quantum Geometry, I say. That hole represents precisely the one quantum of uncertainty that dwells invisibly in all triangles. Dwells invisibly until now. Dwells invisibly until revealed by Feghoot's Proof. Now hand me my boarding pass. I'm off to show this to my colleagues"

Feghoot steps into the Nick Machine, inserts his new boarding pass, and is instantly present in a distant Nick Machine on Aldebaran III.

Meanwhile the crossing guard (and you and I) are left with the paradox of the hole in the triangle.

Hole in the Triangle paradox

A Frog Named Jagger

In alternate universe K-9, a rogue artificial intelligence was successfully violating the Second Law of Thermodynamics through quantum currency manipulation. As part of his plan to bring this silicon-based outlaw to justice, Ferdinand Feghoot was posing as the manager of a walk-in bank on the planet Jeffbezos.

The chief teller of Feghoot's bank was an Earth I female named Patricia Whack, a distant relative of the Whacks who run Whack and Crusher, the demolition company that changed history by unmasking the real scoundrels responsible for the destruction of America's World Trade Center.

Just before closing time, a frog walks into Feghoot's bank and approaches Patricia Whack's desk. "Ms Whack," he says," I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into the back office.

She finds Feghoot behind his desk playing Romulan solitaire and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

Ferdinand Feghoot looks back at her and says: "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Schrödinger's Cat: Lab Results

From J Orlin Grabbe Site

Ferdinand Feghoot Comforts the Prophet Ezekiel

On an excursion into Old Testament times, Ferdinand Feghoot became a close friend of the Prophet Ezekiel's, and many were the long talks they had about morals, flying wheels, psychedelic experiences and the future of man.

So it was that Ezekiel revealed a vision unto Feghoot: "Lo! I was in what seemed a great valley of stone, and the walls thereof were carved into seats for a multitude, and the shape thereof was the shape of a diamond, with Angels at its four corners, and in the middle an Archangel, holding in his hand a hard ball. This he did throw with much force, and angels with staves did strike at it to no avail; and so it continued for a period, and a second period, and five more, while the Archangel Gabriel did utter such mysteries as 'Strike three--that's Lucifer out!' and 'End of the seventh, still no score.'"

"Then, all on a sudden, all was changed. The Archangel Michael smote the ball so that it flew from the valley, and three other Angels who had reached the corners before him came running in; and the multitude beat their wings and shouted harmoniously, so that I was filled with great joy and awe. Then I turned, and saw that the Lord's seat was empty, and sadness struck me that He was not there, and I have been sorrowful ever since."

Comfortingly, Feghoot patted the old gentleman's shoulder. "Don't worry about it, Ezekiel," he said. "Remember, in the big inning God created Heaven and Earth."

(attributed to Peggy Kernerman)

He's a Capricorn

"He's a Capricorn. That means
he'll be successful in business, like to dance,
be interested in sports..."

MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND HAPPY NEW YEAR
from NICK HERBERT
author of QUANTUM REALITY
and other great books
and from DOCTOR JABIR
Imam of Radio Beach
and Protector of Vegetation

(Cartoon by Sidney Harris)

Illuminated Blue Whale
Long Marine Lab
Santa Cruz, CA

Nick's Favorite Feghoot Tale

FEGHOOT XXVII

In 2263, Ferdinand Feghoot and his beautiful wife landed on Blaupunkt, a backwards planet where thousands of construction hands, crewmen, and scientists had been marooned for six years. They at once fell madly in love with her. Luckily, one of their scientists had perfected a matter duplicator which could duplicate living beings as easily as ten credit bills. The duplicates were shy on intelligence, but the Feghoots' hosts didn't care in the least. Very politely, they asked Mrs. Feghoot to act as their model, and amiably she agreed.

Because the duplicator could turn out only a few dozen women a day, polyandry was resorted to. Each new woman was married to a gang of ten men. The gangs prized their wives highly, and treated them well; and the good-natured duplicates enjoyed the arrangement tremendously.

Soon, however, Mrs. Feghoot began to lose weight and feel tired and irritable. "Every time they marry one of those girls, it takes something out of me," she complained. "Ferdinand, take me away!"

Feghoot watched for his chance. Slamming the air-lock of his spaceship when all the men were outside, he prepared to take off.

The men pleaded and wept. "Please don't go yet," they begged.

"i'm sorry," Ferdinand Feghoot said sadly, "but those wedding gangs are breaking up that old belle of mine."

from Through Space and Time with Ferdinand Feghoot
Grendel Briarton
Paradox Press, Berkeley 1962

John Coltrane's Penny Whistle Tapes

My friend Max Hoff is a fan of both James Joyce and John Coltrane. During the legendary Bistro Poetry Era in Boulder Creek, Max would often entertain by reciting large sections of Finnegans Wake (pictured above) which he had memorized. Max played Joyce's words like an instrument which is not surprising since the saxophone is alleged to be the instrument most closely resembling the human voice and Max is a master of the sax. Some of Max's best sax performances can be heard at the Church of Saint John Coltrane in San Francisco where Max is a Deacon.

Imagine my glee when I discovered on the web a review of an album of John Coltrane playing the penny whistle. I could hardly wait to tell Max. In addition to critical examination of each of the tracks the reviewer explained the circumstances of this rare recording:

As is often the case with revelatory musical discoveries, the story behind the sounds is nearly as fascinating as the music itself. While convalescing at his home in the rut of the liminal period before his stint with Monk, Coltrane discovered an odd relic in a basement crate. The property of his deceased great-uncle Thaddeus, the crate contained an impressive collection of vintage 78s along with various personal effects- among them a tarnished brass penny whistle.

Coltrane, still weak from his recent struggle with smack, used the whistle as a means of strengthening his embouchure and breath capacity. In the bargain he realized its convincing musical potential as well. Anxious to invite friends over for jam sessions, but still too physically diminished to hoist his regular horn, Coltrane set up a primitive portable cassette recorder and single microphone (both on loan from his Jersey friend Rudy Van Gelder) and taped many of the living room whistle performances for personal study.

Shortly after reading this review I was bottling wine with Max at the Ahlgren Vineyards a few miles north of Boulder Creek and asked him if he had ever listened to Coltrane's penny whistle performances. "No way," exclaimed Max. "Coltrane never played the whistle." Ha. Ha. I had evidence Max was wrong and bet him $5.00 that a record of Coltrane's whistle sessions existed, put out by an obscure record label in Provo, Utah.

I lost that bet. In my excitement I failed to note the date of the review.

Evolution of Desire

From J Orlin Grabbe

The Nature of Science

I love the feel of the nitrous oxide experience. Admired by psychologist William James as a useful vehicle for exploring the outer realms of consciousness, used by American folk mystic Benjamin Blood as a trigger for his Anesthetic Revelation, and by contemporary spiritual teacher Bhagavan Rajneesh as an inspirational tool for writing books, nitrous seems both to diminish the mind as well as to expand it. 

My tentative model for the NO2 state is that because the mind is reduced to (perhaps) a few quanta of sentience, any thought that the mind happens to dwell on fills this "little mind" completely and hence acquires a supreme significance. Even the most trivial event seems "so important" on nitrous but despite its temporary importance each thought is forgotten in an instant when the little mind moves on to its next big thought. Nitrous, in some moods, seems like a rehearsal for death, when the mind will be reduced to fewer and fewer quanta of awareness but each of supreme importance. And then finally none at all. In such nitrous-y states I often wonder what my last thought will be. Which of my many memories will end up being the fittest? Which event in my life was so memorable that it will be able to resist the corrosive effects of death until the very last second of my life?

Here's one candidate in my mind for most memorable memory.

Some years ago I was visiting the San Francisco apartment of maverick physicist Jack Sarfatti (pictured above). His father Hyman Sarfatti, a sheet metal worker turned mystic, was also living (visiting?) there and would regale all guests with his insights into the divine nature of reality. Hyman was out at the moment and Jack and I were reading the San Francisco Chronicle. Jack found an article about a talk that had been given by German rocket scientist Werner von Braun entitled "The Nature of Science". So Jack puts on his best fake German accent, picks up a piece of silverware and acts out what he imagined von Braun might have said on the subject.

"SCIENCE IS A KNIFE!" shouts Jack, rising from his chair and wielding a table knife.

"UND VE MUSST CUT, CUT, CUT!"  frantically slashing the air.

I laughed so hard at Jack that I almost gave myself a hernia. From the fact that this silly little experience ranks so high in my catalog of memorable events, one might reasonable conclude that when Nick goes out, it will be with a big smile on his face.

The Value of Friendship

The philosophers ponder: can anyone put a value on friendship? Well maybe yes, maybe no.

You didn't know Levine was buddy-buddy with Bernie Madoff? Yeah, I know, what a schmuck. Well, Bernie had doubled my money for me, and doubled it again, but a few weeks ago he calls me up and says: "Listen, Levine, this whole Wall Street schtick is alla housa cards. Do yourself a favor and put your shekels somewhere safe." "You advising me, Bernie, that I should also cash in what you got cooking for me." "Yeah, me especially, Levine. It's alla housa cards." So I took Bernie's advice and was I ever not sorry.

So I runs into da schmiel a few days ago and I says to him: "Bernie, why'd ya do it?" "You mean the Ponzi scheme?" "No, that I understand. Why'd you tip me off ahead of time?" "Hey, Levine," says Bernie, grabbing me by the shoulders and getting in my face, "What are friends for?"

Plato, Aristotle: the value of friendship? In Levine's case, about 3.6 million bucks.

M.E. Levine

The Cuddly Menace

"You cannot imagine my horror when my eyes met pages filled with saccharine, pastel artwork depicting cold-eyed androids that were clearly not of our realm. In a Beautiful Mind moment of schizophrenic clarity I saw the book for what it was: not a gentle introduction to life's most profound curiosity, but a primer for the parasitic offspring of an invisible invasion!"

MY LITTLE GOLDEN BOOK ABOUT ZOGG = H. P. LOVECRAFT LITE 

SunTzu's Art of War: Know Thy Enemy

"Ana raicha Al Qaeda" is colloquial for "I'm going to the toilet". A very common and widespread use of the word "Al- Qaeda" in different Arab countries in the public language is for the toilet bowl. This name comes from the Arabic verb "Qa'ada" which means "to sit" pertinently on the "Toilet Bowl". In most Arabic homes there are two kinds of toilets: "Al-Qaeda", also called the "Hamam Franji" or foreign toilet, and "Hamam Arabi" or "Arab toilet" which is a hole in the ground. Lest we forget it, the potty used by small children is called "Ma Qa'adia" or "Little Qaeda".

So, if you were forming a terrorist group, would you call yourself "The Toilet"?

Text from WhatReallyHappened.com

Image from Santa Cruz Comic News

Steven Hawking joke

My car broke down the other day.

So I took it to a garage

And the guy says that he's a quantum mechanic.

I asked him if he could fix my car or not.

And he shrugged and said:

"I don't know. I have to look at it."

This esoteric slice of YouTube humor refers of course to the notorious Quantum Measurement Problem. In quantum theory (which has never made a wrong prediction) before you look, the world exists as a wave of possibilities. After you look, it's actual particles (called "quanta").

Also physicists are not really sure what they mean by "looking".

What does it really mean "to make a quantum measurement"? We certainly know how to make such measurements but don't know what aspects of the measurement process are necessary to bring the world into existence. "What does it take to turn quantum possibility into actual fact?" is still an open question in physics.

Quantum theory does not tell you what exists but only what you will measure. Furthermore the theory says that you cannot measure everything so you must make a choice (the so-called "Heisenberg choice") what observable you will look at. Only after you have made this choice does the theory give definite predictions for the probability of observing particular values for your chosen observable.

Next you deploy an instrument to measure your chosen observable and a particular outcome occurs--a choice that Nature makes (called the "Dirac choice") of one actual result out of the many possible results allowed by the theory.

In order to physically exercise your Heisenberg choice, you must somehow acquire a real instrument that is able to measure your chosen observable. This instrument may be as simple as a cell in your retina or as complex as the ATLAS particle detector (pictured below) at CERN's Large Hadron Collider. But if the quantum world is made solely of possibilities, where do such real (not merely possible) measurement devices come from? When and where in a purely quantum world, did the first measurement occur that was able to turn lots of mere possibility into some real actuality?

No one has expressed this paradoxical situation so well as Harvard professor Wendell Furry who said, "The existence and general nature of macroscopic bodies and systems is assumed at the outset. These facts are logically prior to the interpretation and are not expected to find an explanation in it." In order to work, quantum mechanics needs to assume the real existence of measurement instruments but is powerless to explain how their existence comes about.

In the absence of real instruments, the Heisenberg choice cannot be carried out. But assuming the existence of such instruments (which have somehow mysteriously achieved "self-actualization") what properties of such instruments allows them to actualize another quantum system--the system being looked at? How exactly do such instruments provoke Nature to make the Dirac choice?

Physicists don't have good answers to questions like these which lie at the very foundation of our quantum science. CCNY physicist Daniel Greenberger has compared quantum physicists to high-steel workers who are feverishly completing floor after floor of an enormous tower while the bottom of the building is supported by precarious scaffolding that no one wants to examine too closely for fear that the whole structure will collapse.

We house broke quantum reality
Taught Schrödinger's Cat to purr
Now ordinary life's as uncanny
As atoms ever were.

The quantum measurement problem: it's no joke.

Office Kama Sutra

Bopping down to Capitola to experience the pelican frenzy--so many pelicans feeding near the shore and birdbathing in Soquel Creek with the local ducks that fishing from the wharf was cancelled for fear that a pelican might end up on somebody's line, I sauntered (with August O'Connor) into Avalon Visions where I discovered this little gem "The Office Kama Sutra" which among other modern variations on the classic tantric text offers advice on the daring practice of "Desktop Commerce".

"The desktop environment, though hardly a cushioned dais strewn with pillows and silken draperies is entirely suited to congress as long as both lovers are in the grip of a feverish passion and are sufficiently limber. The computer monitor [CRTs only. Don't try this with a flat screen.] is good for anchoring firmly between the legs when bending backwards or forward; like a sturdy scanner tray, the keyboard tray offers an impromptu massage to the recumbant partner; and a closed laptop or dictionary makes a trusty support for raising the hips."

Einstein's Lady

Quantum Tantra envisioned by B. Kliban

Heisenburger Cat

Quantumtantra blog's homage to a cute and enduring Internet theme--the LOL cat meme, also known as "I can has cheezburger?" named after the most popular LOL cat site. Today's tribute stars my cat Onyx and Werner Heisenberg who said: "In these quantum experiments we do not observe nature herself but nature exposed to our method of questioning." The aim of quantum tantra is to devise brand new ways of questioning nature with the hope of eliciting new, more intimate and more erotic human experiences of the natural world than our current ways of doing physics provide.